LIVIA'S BOOKLET

Inhale my comfort and I’ll exhale your struggles. I would wage war with all the demons that are meant to hurt you if that’s how you want me to prove my love for you.

On most days I didn’t want to stay quiet, I wanted to tell the world how broken my heart was. But then I thought; What would the world do with my grief when it was so ugly about my joys.

I have been lost in my daydreams Dressing my soul up in honey allowing myself the stillness But, how can I be so happy yet so sad and empty at the same time? I fear I will forget what living feels like.

  I carry my scars with dignity. I have suffered and yet still laughing. I have been disappointed but I still use my heart. I have remained nice whilst I was treated badly because there’s always love inside me for I am enough.

Dearest Kojo; Never before have I wanted to say so much but said so little. Truly, it’s the Lord’s job to change people’s hearts and not ours. I read somewhere that said; “Some people don’t really love you, they just love you because you love them.” And I realized that; “Some things have to end for better things to begin.” And I thought; “How do I begin when everything I do ends with you?” The worst happened when you left, I thought I wouldn’t live without you but surprisingly I kept living – I am living.

 "Why must I dwell on the things that leave me weak? I have grown tired of seeking light And; Grief has timely muted the colours in my personality and altered the way I exist. Grief tainted my interactions and abilities I read somewhere that said; " A funeral is necessary even for the living -we die many times without saying goodbye" There is so much that happens beyond the surface and within the shadows that we can't see fully But; When all this is over, Flowers do grow back even after the harshest winters - I Too Will.

  Nearly 1 in 4 people are living with mental health conditions and eventually it affects their life and ability to live a normal life.   Dearest Linga; I hope that one day you will wake up with joy rising in your heart and get to realize that the things that pain you-they hurt less. Always remember to embrace yourself. Learn to be vulnerable and accept emotions without shame and judgement, for you are more than your emotions and fears. Mental health is not about getting rid of your darkness, but recognizing that your light is so much more powerful. It’s not a race to be won or something to be perfect at, but you need to believe that your mental health is just as important as all other things you sacrifice. When life feels chaotic, movement can help uplift your mind. Euphoria in epic proportions will be yours again, it surely will flow back to you.

  Grief really sucks it’s like being hit with waves and all you can do is keep your head above the waters There are days when I talk about you often How special you’d have been How I had you without knowing And there are days when I can’t even speak your name Days that I can’t even share the experience Days that I know this grief is mine to bear Inside me lives a loud scream that comes out in moments I least expect Grief has a way of quietening the outside while making one scream inside I have to remember you longer than I got to know you I would trade the future for one yesterday with you.

  I am the one in the room who laughs the loudest yet grief stings in all places and my feet stuck in sadness. How possibly can one be everywhere yet nowhere? How are you still here yet I’ll never see you again? I have to remember you longer than I have known you. Two things left the day you died; You, and my chance to feel whole again. With you, I get to believe that grieving is a lifelong process with layers of love, pain, memories growth all wrapped in one. I am living with a scream inside me and the scream is mine and no one else hears it I wish to scream until the pain ceases to echo in my heart until my shallow breath becomes deeper.

Sometimes, the most profound sorrows are those we carry in silence, for no words are powerful enough to encapsulate the entirety of a heart that’s shattered by loss. Losing you is a language only my heart knows how to speak. Unknowingly; I carried you with me in every step, every decision, every tear and every smile. Losing you didn’t just break my heart it left me to piece together who I am in a life that’s unrecognizable. Trying to narrate what I am feeling is like describing colours I can’t see. The day I lost you was not just any day, It was the day I had to start learning to live a different life altogether. They say time heals; but some losses imprint on the soul scars that may fade but never disappear. Losing you has taught me that grief is not just a process but a life-long journey, one where love and pain walk hand in hand. I would trade all my tomorrows for one yesterday. To change all the things I took for granted. To relieve each moment with the know

There’s no song in my mind other than a melody of your name Set a boundary within me that nothing can ever make me drift from you Accept my desires and let them all in unto your gentle heart My heart skip beats my heart sinks when my mind lay its thoughts on you With arms as wide as the expanse of the earth with a heart of unwavering worth you are my home, my resting place.

  Let me be a man who will never compromise the truth but rather speak of the truth in love. Let me be bold and be trusting you in all things that are worrisome to me. Let me heal all my wounds instead of spreading the pain. Let me outgrow all the spaces I have shrank myself to fit. Let me pick up courage with my hands even when I am not sure of how strong they are to hold it all.

  I have been asked to write about grief Cause; I only have spent so much time in places that carry sorrow and chaos They have wanted me to be so many things but all I can ever be is a griever My heart carries more grief than it carries happiness I have journeyed down so many paths full of darkness and storms where there’s no sunshine Never do I crave for things that leave me weak Never do I remember how to feel happy I’d rather gladly take all the storms.

  In this story of mine you have always been the best chapter! I’d rather take all the storms than have all the sunshine days without you around!   Though emptiness consumes me I surely will wait on time to lead me to you, for you hold the pieces that makes me whole! I met an angel; I saw it in your eyes with whispers and lost in your gaze making myself a promise to never let go of you! 

  Chapter two “I miss the future I was supposed to have with you.” I surely would feel the depth of the sentiment in those words. It’s alright to mourn the future that never unfolded for loss is like a silent storm that rearranges the landscape of the heart. “There are millions of mothers that live inside my chest, I speak to them in quiet moments under the night skies and in my dreams.” ~emoryhall Grief is so often characterized as sadness but in real sense there is so much more involved. And to talk of grief from baby loss – pregnancy loss – stillbirth it is so often dismissed with statements like; “You can try again for another one.” “It wasn’t God’s plan.” “ Everything happens for a reason” But in actual fact it is often an extremely traumatic loss. Scary, dangerous, life threatening, life changing and a hundred percent leading to stress and anxiety covered with fear. There is so much going on for the griever, so much to process and to adjust to the thought o

  Chapter one Correct me if I am wrong, but I remember all the words you like to say behind closed doors. She whispered in my ear “I take you as you are and you will be. I won’t try to change you but I will ride out change with you. I see you and I will never ask you to be less or more.” With words so charming and full of meaning, that’s how she destroyed me. I have been awed and terrified by the experience of being in love to the extent that when it’s love, I’d rather close the book and put it back on the shelf. I do not know how to hate no matter how much I have been wronged. I met Tuseke when I had gone for my usual check-up at the hospital. She was there to visit her grandmother who was gravely ill and on admission. She had asked for directions to get to the elderly female ward, that was just the same way to Doctor Mayepi’s office. My all time go to health practitioner. We walked hand in hand and talked about a few things on science and medicine. She hated being a

  Dearest Kambani, I write this note to you for there is an ache in my ribs. Your sugar-coated deceit made its way through and I felt like all the air left my lungs after I heard and read out all your lies. You said; “I will answer you before you even call to me.” Little did I know you were trying to memorize Jeremiah 33:3 on me. You said; “I will be your peace.” But; Don’t be my peace. I already have that. First, be at peace with yourself and everything around you. I know this note will make you remember the warmth of my touch, how it made your heart race, the joy you claimed I brought to you. I had mixed portions of happiness and loyalty between the things I love and you with a pinch of sugar to align the moments. That’s how much I cared. I am blooming in your absence after being trapped in the cage of your lies and deceit, after you sliced me a dose of pain and moments of tears. Leaving you came hand in hand with finding myself – Broken but Functional.

The truth failed to set me free. I do not know how to speak the truth without it sounding like an apology, But I am learning to share the room with peace. You said these broken pieces won't fit together, But I have out grown those words and will shrink to fit, For courage has greeted me. Drop me here and leave me be, This is just a chapter not my whole story....

My brain surely needs a little peace from my heart. But let’s talk about a topic close to my heart; The journey of healing from all sort of issues. Let’s shift the focus towards nurturing your beautiful self and letting go of those who don’t belong in your life. Let’s create space for the important issues of all – Peace, Confidence, Healing, Progress, Love, Acceptance. I have always wanted to wear my heart on my sleeves and tell my lover how I truly feel, saying what I need to say; “You are a bunch of colours I have never seen.” But there’s always a grip of fear in me because of the time that has passed and what may be made of him in return. I thought the answer was to bury the pain deep within But; so slowly, painfully with no regrets – I unloved him. Peace. “When you lose an emotional attachment to someone you realize how ordinary they are. You realize it was your love and energy that made them seem special.” That right there, is Peace.

Dearest Mofesi; This is the first letter I am writing to you in this year. Deep sorrow fills my heart Vengeance pulses through my veins I will never be fully healed I will never be the same person that I was. Indeed; there is a breath between what was and what will be who we were and who we will be. I read somewhere that said; “Stop taking things personally. If someone can’t love you the way you want to be loved-that has nothing to do with you and if they don’t treat you the way you desire to be treated-that’s not a reflection of your worth.” Mosannzz wrote; “Through loving the right people you will come to realize that the human beings who are meant for you in this life will not exhaust you or hollow you out.” The right people hear you differently. So; this love of mine shall never go to waste Maybe someday we’ll meet again in the same space where our paths crossed.   Kapare