LETTERS TO HIM

 Dearest Aku;

I wrote this note to gently remind myself that I am going to be okay even if I don’t believe that I will.
There's Philophobia and Pistanthrophobia within me.

I don’t know much about love, but I know you.
You are not the first person that I have confused for home.
I am too real for people and I believe that’s the reason why I haven’t found love yet, everyone I meet is either fake or full of themselves.
I know some things are just not meant to work out no matter how much you want them to, and some moments are meant to be brief, forcing them only harms us. I get it.

I read somewhere that said; “It’s kind of hard to love someone else when the one you once loved gave you no reason to love again” and that’s exactly you and me.

You know; When I like someone, I go too hard. I am too available, too giving, too loyal, too thoughtful and too reliable - hoping it gets reciprocated.
Do you remember when I said; “I will peel off all my skin away if that’s how much you want me to show my love for you?” I really meant those words, but I was tired of being loved by half a heart so I left.

And then again; What do I do with all the little things I know about you? Where do I keep all the inconsequential stories about you? Those scars from a football game, how you love your breakfast to be made and all those songs you have by heart?
The pressure to either keep up or erase our memories is overwhelming and frustrating at times. Maybe I should bury all the things I know about you and try to build a tomb over it - to forget you completely cause in the end it won’t matter who loved you but how you loved and how you were loved.

The Holistic Healer wrote; “Everything you want is on the other side of letting go. You don’t hold on because you like to hurt, you hold on because you need certainty.” and that’s exactly what I was looking for in you.

I have always been in love with you. It’s always been you even when you broke my heart over and over again. And the thing with heartbreak is that it never fades. Your heart will still ache in many decades to come.
It will still burn your insides and there’s nothing beautiful about aching from the inside.

Now; Healing taught me that; “speaking on your feelings won’t make anything worth having lost, setting boundaries won’t scare off proper people and authenticity won’t cost you genuine relationships, honesty won’t ruin a real thing.” and that; “you know how much you loved someone when you don’t hate them for breaking your heart.”

I have come to a truce with myself, I am going to plant hope in my scars and within the stillness, I will bloom.

AKANTE.