LIVIA'S BOOKLET

The struggle to keep up With life's pace when grieving and wanting to pause is so real. Wishing a moment of stillness where we can just exist without sorrow fitting our hearts. At times the world expects us to pick up where we left off as if nothing has changed -But everything has changed. Our lives have turned upside down the weight of our grief  can make even simplest tasks feel impossible. You are allowed to step back to seek moments of stillness you crave cause it's okay not to be okay.  

 There are times I don't wish to be here. My heart is tired from being fed all the wrong things. I put my hand on my chest I hear my inner voices screaming; "this year should be named - all things I never thought could happen." There are days like today, When I want nothing but to surrender. I am drowning in my anger but I am learning how to hold on a little better. I close my eyes and look at how I have ignored all the things my heart tried to tell me. It's both a blessing and a curse to feel everything.

  Today; Someone had to say goodbye and they weren't ready. Someone was left only with a cloth of a loved one whilst another was left with nothing at all. Grief robs us the ability to feel joy in moments that should have been magical, changing our depths; Making us re-evaluate everything. As we miss our beloved; I am sending love to you all. May we be held tenderly though; our world can never be what it once was before they left.

Inhale my comfort and I’ll exhale your struggles. I would wage war with all the demons that are meant to hurt you if that’s how you want me to prove my love for you.

On most days I didn’t want to stay quiet, I wanted to tell the world how broken my heart was. But then I thought; What would the world do with my grief when it was so ugly about my joys.

I have been lost in my daydreams Dressing my soul up in honey allowing myself the stillness But, how can I be so happy yet so sad and empty at the same time? I fear I will forget what living feels like.

  I carry my scars with dignity. I have suffered and yet still laughing. I have been disappointed but I still use my heart. I have remained nice whilst I was treated badly because there’s always love inside me for I am enough.

Dearest Kojo; Never before have I wanted to say so much but said so little. Truly, it’s the Lord’s job to change people’s hearts and not ours. I read somewhere that said; “Some people don’t really love you, they just love you because you love them.” And I realized that; “Some things have to end for better things to begin.” And I thought; “How do I begin when everything I do ends with you?” The worst happened when you left, I thought I wouldn’t live without you but surprisingly I kept living – I am living.

 "Why must I dwell on the things that leave me weak? I have grown tired of seeking light And; Grief has timely muted the colours in my personality and altered the way I exist. Grief tainted my interactions and abilities I read somewhere that said; " A funeral is necessary even for the living -we die many times without saying goodbye" There is so much that happens beyond the surface and within the shadows that we can't see fully But; When all this is over, Flowers do grow back even after the harshest winters - I Too Will.

  Nearly 1 in 4 people are living with mental health conditions and eventually it affects their life and ability to live a normal life.   Dearest Linga; I hope that one day you will wake up with joy rising in your heart and get to realize that the things that pain you-they hurt less. Always remember to embrace yourself. Learn to be vulnerable and accept emotions without shame and judgement, for you are more than your emotions and fears. Mental health is not about getting rid of your darkness, but recognizing that your light is so much more powerful. It’s not a race to be won or something to be perfect at, but you need to believe that your mental health is just as important as all other things you sacrifice. When life feels chaotic, movement can help uplift your mind. Euphoria in epic proportions will be yours again, it surely will flow back to you.

  Grief really sucks it’s like being hit with waves and all you can do is keep your head above the waters There are days when I talk about you often How special you’d have been How I had you without knowing And there are days when I can’t even speak your name Days that I can’t even share the experience Days that I know this grief is mine to bear Inside me lives a loud scream that comes out in moments I least expect Grief has a way of quietening the outside while making one scream inside I have to remember you longer than I got to know you I would trade the future for one yesterday with you.

  I am the one in the room who laughs the loudest yet grief stings in all places and my feet stuck in sadness. How possibly can one be everywhere yet nowhere? How are you still here yet I’ll never see you again? I have to remember you longer than I have known you. Two things left the day you died; You, and my chance to feel whole again. With you, I get to believe that grieving is a lifelong process with layers of love, pain, memories growth all wrapped in one. I am living with a scream inside me and the scream is mine and no one else hears it I wish to scream until the pain ceases to echo in my heart until my shallow breath becomes deeper.