LIVIA'S BOOKLET

  Chapter two “I miss the future I was supposed to have with you.” I surely would feel the depth of the sentiment in those words. It’s alright to mourn the future that never unfolded for loss is like a silent storm that rearranges the landscape of the heart. “There are millions of mothers that live inside my chest, I speak to them in quiet moments under the night skies and in my dreams.” ~emoryhall Grief is so often characterized as sadness but in real sense there is so much more involved. And to talk of grief from baby loss – pregnancy loss – stillbirth it is so often dismissed with statements like; “You can try again for another one.” “It wasn’t God’s plan.” “ Everything happens for a reason” But in actual fact it is often an extremely traumatic loss. Scary, dangerous, life threatening, life changing and a hundred percent leading to stress and anxiety covered with fear. There is so much going on for the griever, so much to process and to adjust to the thoug...

Correct me if I am wrong, but I remember all the words you like to say behind closed doors. She whispered in my ear “I take you as you are and you will be. I won’t try to change you but I will ride out change with you. I see you and I will never ask you to be less or more.” With words so charming and full of meaning, that’s how she destroyed me. I have been awed and terrified by the experience of being in love to the extent that when it’s love, I’d rather close the book and put it back on the shelf. I do not know how to hate no matter how much I have been wronged. I met Tuseke when I had gone for my usual check-up at the hospital. She was there to visit her grandmother who was gravely ill and on admission. She had asked for directions to get to the elderly female ward, that was just the same way to Doctor Mayepi’s office. My all time go to health practitioner. We walked hand in hand and talked about a few things on science and medicine. She hated being around the hosp...

  Dearest Kambani, I write this note to you for there is an ache in my ribs. Your sugar-coated deceit made its way through and I felt like all the air left my lungs after I heard and read out all your lies. You said; “I will answer you before you even call to me.” Little did I know you were trying to memorize Jeremiah 33:3 on me. You said; “I will be your peace.” But; Don’t be my peace. I already have that. First, be at peace with yourself and everything around you. I know this note will make you remember the warmth of my touch, how it made your heart race, the joy you claimed I brought to you. I had mixed portions of happiness and loyalty between the things I love and you with a pinch of sugar to align the moments. That’s how much I cared. I am blooming in your absence after being trapped in the cage of your lies and deceit, after you sliced me a dose of pain and moments of tears. Leaving you came hand in hand with finding myself – Broken but Function...

The truth failed to set me free. I do not know how to speak the truth without it sounding like an apology, But I am learning to share the room with peace. You said these broken pieces won't fit together, But I have out grown those words and will shrink to fit, For courage has greeted me. Drop me here and leave me be, This is just a chapter not my whole story....

My brain surely needs a little peace from my heart. But let’s talk about a topic close to my heart; The journey of healing from all sort of issues. Let’s shift the focus towards nurturing your beautiful self and letting go of those who don’t belong in your life. Let’s create space for the important issues of all – Peace, Confidence, Healing, Progress, Love, Acceptance. I have always wanted to wear my heart on my sleeves and tell my lover how I truly feel, saying what I need to say; “You are a bunch of colours I have never seen.” But there’s always a grip of fear in me because of the time that has passed and what may be made of him in return. I thought the answer was to bury the pain deep within But; so slowly, painfully with no regrets – I unloved him. Peace. “When you lose an emotional attachment to someone you realize how ordinary they are. You realize it was your love and energy that made them seem special.” That right there, is Peace.

Dearest Mofesi; This is the first letter I am writing to you in this year. Deep sorrow fills my heart Vengeance pulses through my veins I will never be fully healed I will never be the same person that I was. Indeed; there is a breath between what was and what will be who we were and who we will be. I read somewhere that said; “Stop taking things personally. If someone can’t love you the way you want to be loved-that has nothing to do with you and if they don’t treat you the way you desire to be treated-that’s not a reflection of your worth.” Mosannzz wrote; “Through loving the right people you will come to realize that the human beings who are meant for you in this life will not exhaust you or hollow you out.” The right people hear you differently. So; this love of mine shall never go to waste Maybe someday we’ll meet again in the same space where our paths crossed.   Kapare

I normally don't let people in my space, But when it came to you, it was all different. "How is it that you fit so perfectly in my mind?" I want to love you like there's no tomorrow, And when tomorrow comes,  I will love you all over again - Forever. There's no place that I won't go to find you on this earth, I will walk miles to find you. Just like wine and roses, You truly complete me; Never did I understand what true love is until I had you in my space. I will be your lover in sin and virtue from across lifetime.

I do not know if this is the end of the chapter or you will return later, Neither do I know if this is the end of the story and we get to close the book, But; What I surely know is; I am taking most of the things you said in secret to the grave with me. I have learnt that; “Sometimes, what you want so badly isn’t yours. You drive yourself crazy trying to perfect yourself to be worthy of a dream-a person and end up frustrated when you can’t achieve or claim it all. I have been loved by someone I didn’t love; a love unreturned. I have loved someone who never loved me back; a love without reciprocation. And I realized that; You can’t fix people who are broken. You just can’t decide to carry their hurt as if it’s yours. Sometimes, the ‘right person’ is the ‘wrong person’ but you just don’t realize  this until they leave.

“I will scream hope to the sky Maybe the echo of my voice will be written in the clouds for me to read.” I have grown tired of seeking light. I have grown tired of hearing “Tomorrow will be better.” What if it doesn’t? What Will I do? The answers I never got, turned out to be some of life’s biggest lessons. I choose to be hopeful. ~ Kapare

“I look up to heaven like I want to leave the earth. What are the reasons for my stay?” Immerse grief, there is no escape from the earth over it. They say; “grief is the chisel and your soul is the sculpture, what was once important shatters into a thousand pieces.” Surely, we will all experience grief in this lifetime, we will all be obliterated by loss. They say grief is the price we pay for loving and allowing ourselves to care deeply for the things in this world that are finite and momentary. Grief splits you into two at the end of the day. I read somewhere that said; “There is a part of you that is truly taken to the limits of sadness when you have all of this love, all of these plans, these memories of someone who was so precious, so deeply valued, so important-and they’re gone.” I have looked for your name in books. I buy things that resemble everything you ever cherished. I glance at people that have a shape of you. I look for any sign that tells me you are not gone an...

There’s Proditiophobia in me. Yes, that’s the word I captured to be my problem. “The fear of being betrayed by someone you love.” People often say; “A good heart is always happy.” Unlike me, I think a good heart gets hurt very badly because it expects only good things from others. That’s exactly who I am. I expect too much from the people I love and I end up being hurt. Most of us always dream about a love that lasts forever. The love we hold can never be buried by six feet of soil. Its broad and incomparable. I am telling my story because if my fears happen to me, it will kill my worthiness. I love Timve. Deep within, my heart beats strong for her and can’t let go but the other part of me is not strong to say the right words to her “WILL YOU MARRY ME?” I am afraid of the disgrace that may come if I pop the question and I don’t have an idea of where and how I should say it to her. They say; “Marriage is so beautiful when you do it right.” Yet still, I read somewhere that said...

“As you leave; leave me with a heart that learns not to wait for your return.” Those words kept lingering in my head over and over again for years. The ache within me of how Nditha got off me was what I couldn’t handle. I repeatedly assured myself that whatever was going on Nditha wasn’t a part of it. Perhaps it was just his family scheming over me to leave their son. They never really liked me from the very start. They said I was too young for their son. But love found us and we wanted each other; how about now? What happened to us? His uncles had come with a message for my uncles. The dowry they paid on my head must be returned since there was no marriage. They gave us three weeks to finalize the whole arrangements. I stood on my ground to say my marriage was still on until Nditha spoke to me himself but he never did. My family returned the bride price; I was told to move out of the house we had bought together; they said I had no child for them thus I had no right to the house...