THE PERFECTIONIST

 

“The simplest things always speak louder than words ever will.”
These are the exact words that have kept repeating in my head.

I have made a catastrophic mistake and it has blown all over my face.
I keep asking myself what at all have I done to myself and how to resolve it all.
There’s so much hatred within myself- I wish to have had the power to turn back the hands of time and start all over again.

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Ken and I first met when he came to do a bulk deposit at our bank branch and I happened to be the teller on duty in the bulk deposits room that week.
We exchanged greetings and talked a little as I served him. He recommended my services to be faster and friendlier than my colleague John. I liked the compliment.

Since then, whenever he came through to make deposits he made sure to see me. We became friends.

He got more open and invited me out for lunch one Wednesday but I couldn't make it due to my busy schedule that week. We postponed it to a Saturday for dinner.

I got myself ready, put on one of my best black dresses and a silver clutch bag with a little make up. He drove to my place and picked me up. We had dinner at some fancy Spanish restaurant; that was where I got to know more of his business deals. He was into real estate agency and building materials trade.

As weeks went by, Ken invited me over to his house. I couldn't say No- I had already started falling for him. He was so nice to me and seemed perfect whenever we were together.

I visited him on a Sunday after church, we had lunch and talked of random stuff. The next day I realized I was madly in love with Ken. That was how our relationship started.

Ken was everything to me. He was spoiling me with hampers of gifts, lunch-dinner dates and was always there for me. About all my friends and colleagues really admired how my relationship with Ken was. Who wouldn't anyways?

This was a man who had huge sums of money in his accounts. He was very successful as a young man. He wasn't stingy neither clingy; he was just one soft guy who knew how to spend on his woman.

 

Five months into the relationship Ken proposed, he said it was best we started living together but that would have been only if we got married and he didn't want to waste time.

My aunt didn't really like the idea; she thought we were rushing things. Most of my friends said the same thing too; it was too early to get married-we should spend some more time and know each other best. But I was just a girl too in love-maybe because I had met more disappointing relationships and wasn't ready to miss it out with Ken.

With Ken, I was at least sure of my financial security and stability. He was an amazing man who gave me assurance that he would make a great husband.

We had a memorable wedding. The event planner we booked just made everything extra special beyond my expectations. His plans were accurate. I couldn't wait to start a new life as Mrs Audrey Ken Kaunda-little did I know there was war ahead of me.

First months of our marriage everything was good but everything changed in a blink of an eye.
Ken's attitude towards me totally changed. He didn't like how I dressed, how I wore my make up, he complained of how I walked, how I carried myself or presented myself when around his friends and business partners, how I handled myself on the table and even in bed.
He always wanted things to be done the way he wanted it with no less effects.

He never wanted the maid to prepare anything for him, even the food he ate. He only craved the food made by me; and as a good wife I tried my best to meet up his needs but due to my work schedule there were days I slacked and in those days I ended up being abused physically and mentally.

I remember the other time I picked a grey suit for him without knowing he was to attend an all black corporate Friday. He came home fuming and gave me blows and kicks all over. I pleaded for mercy but he wasn't ready to show remorse.

Things went from bad to worse to the extent that he forced me to resign from my job. In his statements he said his money was more than enough to fend for us as well as our children and the next three generations to come. I had stopped being excited with his finances; the only thing I yearned for was peace of mind and I was at peace when at work, with him telling me to quit my job it meant more stress for me coz I had to start staying back home and be a full time housewife.

He became so controlling and over-protective over me.
We argued about my resignation for weeks until I unwillingly handed in my letter to our branch manager. She advised me not to leave my job then that my career was at its peak and I had just gotten a promotion.

I had no option than to obey my husband's decision after all if I didn't I would be miserable.

Ken wanted everything to be perfect no matter what it would take place for it to happen. He didn’t mind if I was sick or busy with other things, he only wanted me always give him attention whenever he needed it.

After I resigned, he laid off the house help and the cook-he didn't see the reason of them being around when he had a wife who stayed home all day.

He always made sure every word that came out of me was a good one with no mistakes or slip of the tongue. He didn't mind slapping me or freaking out when he didn't like what I said. He was so aggressive. He knew so well how to keep grudges, he constantly abused me physically over something that happened in the previous days or weeks.

In public, Ken was sweet and romantic; his friends always praised him of how good he was taking care of me and how submissive I was as a wife. Such kinds of praises really moved him and made him too proud so he always made sure I lived up to those public praises without missing out.

My days of being married became horrible and bitter when Ken's family began pressurizing us to start having children. It had been 3years of marriage already and pointing fingers were on me saying I was infertile.

I had tried to reason up with Ken to let me stop taking the contraceptive pills which he suggested to me to be taking when our marriage was just a month old. He was too insecure that if we were to have babies all my attention would be drifted to them and not him and he wasn't ready for it all then; that was 3years ago and he still insisted I stay on the pills.

On several occasions I ended up on the hospital bed as I tried to persuade and plead with him that we needed to have kids. I had attempted stopping to take the pills when he realized I was no longer on it he pounced on me and was admitted in the hospital for days.

Whenever I was asked about my bruises, I kept lying that I had slipped in the shower or would put up a lie that I bumped myself to the wall when lights were off and there was no fuel in the generator. There was no way I would tell my fate to people, they had warned me when Ken proposed to me whilst our relationship was barely five months. And then out there a lot of people thought we were a perfect power couple, Ken would never want such impression to be replaced by another story, he had already warned me over it.

I no longer enjoyed my marriage as how I expected. I was hiding my sad bruised face under expensive make up and fake smiles. There was no way I was to let my husband down. Disclosing his abusive nature meant spoiling all his business channels and efforts; I just felt bad at the thought of it. And i wasn't ready to be a topic of discussion in the era where being a divorcee was a highest grade offense in the society.

Several times, my aunt warned me to leave my marriage if I wasn't happy. She saw sadness in my fake smiles and perceived of my sorrowful days. I didn't know how to come about to tell her what I was going through, silent is what I preferred. I was just too naiive and stupid to realize that whatever I was going through would one day get me at a place I least expected.

Rumours had got to me that Ken had different affairs with all sorts of women and on several occasions I caught him with his other women, he wasn't bothered-instead of apologizing and adopting to change he always blamed me for his actions and would beat me afterwards.

I became depressed over it all- I was tired. I lost it.
My mental state began failing me and I couldn't withhold what was happening to me lightly.

That week, things were really tough, we argued on daily basis on different things- I went to his office to drop his lunch boxes; I found him intimate with a girl; she managed to escape after I gave her a few hot slaps; when Ken got home that evening he dealt with me badly. How could I possibly badge into his office and disturb him from getting the most honourable sweet pleasure.
It was like he had no regard for me as his wife, I was more of a slave than a spouse to him; which man would be boosting of having some good sex in his office with one whore looking like girl and come home to insult his wife for catching them.

We went for one of his usual business dinner parties; and shamefully he started flirting with some lady in front of me. I went to him and politely told him to respect himself, to respect me most. He seemed cool but when we got home he got his waist belt and pounced on me. I fled to the kitchen and he followed me there, he whipped me as if I was nothing to him, I tried to plead with him to leave me, to spare me but he couldn't and in self-defence, I picked a pistol and banged it on him, it landed on his temple- he fell on the floor- blood was oozing out of his head. That sight scared me.

He was rushed to the hospital where I was told he had gone into coma. Whilst there the police came to arrest me "attempted murder". But that was in self-defence; that man would have killed me right then if I hadn’t saved myself.

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I am still behind bars waiting for court hearing; whilst at bay- I thought I would write my story for I do not know what comes ahead of me.

In the quest of trying to be a perfect wife; a perfectionist to a man who pretended to be perfect I have landed myself at a place I feared the most; and my heart bleeds.