CARRIE'S BROKEN PIECES

"There's so much I wish to say, but it's so hard to put all the words together.

I have searched for meaning in abandoned buildings and I am exhausted.

I wonder if you know how regret follows me to bed every night.

It's been a hell of life for me for the past few months. I have had the most craziest days and it overwhelms me to the core."

Before Austin and I got married, I ignored the red flags which were there. His mannerisms, associations and preferences.

I turned to a blind-deaf dog right from the thirteen months of our relationship and insisted on marrying him.

I wanted an extravagant wedding and Austin made it happen, a beautiful home and some great sex, I knew Austin would offer and afford all that and more.

We had sex several times and every single thrust was great. The way he handled me in bed made him earn my trust and loyalty.

I mean this was the man I controlled in bed and made him groan and in return gave me all the pleasure I wanted. I was capable of turning him on just with a slight touch.

I always told myself i was in charge and he was straight.

One Saturday morning when we had our early escaped he walked to the bathroom; that was how he was. he always walked out of bed after we made out; a call came through on his phone, I picked to check who it was and it was from an unsaved contact, then a text came in from the same number "Hey honey, how was your night? can't wait to have you all to myself tonight. I am so ready for you."

My heart jumped out of me. How come? 

Could it be Austin was seeing another woman? I quickly dialed the number on my phone and true caller App showed it was registered under one Bryan Mayeke. Must have been a wrong number perhaps. How could a man possibly send such a text to his fellow man?

Austin came out of the bathroom.

"Think I heard my phone ring?" he picked it up.

"yeah! yeah! It did"

 He scrolled through and smiled slightly.

my palms got sweaty, my mind struggled on deciding if I needed to confront him on it or just forget about it. Could it be he was really cheating? How? Why?

"Who's it?"

"Aah! It was a wrong number I guess, it's no one." He came closer and gave me a perk. "Come on! don't give me that look. let's go and make breakfast."

He surely had a way of melting my anger whenever I was annoyed. I thought he was perfect in all corners and I kept falling for him- I was just too blind to see.

I watched him whilst he made breakfast and we ate together.

"I need to meet up with the boys later today, you remember Nestor my soldier friend?" "Yeah! the one who went for peace-keeping in Afghanistan?" "Yes! he's in town so he is throwing a small drink up out of town." "and I'm not coming along?" "No! babes. It's an all boys things." "Okay! I hope you won't stay out late?" "Nope! Will be back before you even go to bed." I still don't understand why I trusted him that much maybe I was too in love.

So he left later after we had lunch. I broke a glass and got a cut as I was washing the dishes. I immediately went to get the first aid box from our bathroom.

Just when I opened the drawer a small green bottle fell over my feet. When I was done bandaging my finger I picked the bottle and was shocked to know it was for a sex arousal. "Why would Austin need viagra?" It pissed me off.

I took a picture of the bottle and sent it to him. "can you please explain what the heck this is doing in our great sex home?"

He first responded with emojis "😅😅😅!" "sorry beautiful! I needed to use them to make sure you get it well. Mind I use them again tonight?😊😉"

Again he melted away my anger and got me turned on with his words. He was smart to trick me down.

I waited for Austin to come home till midnight. he nevee showed up. he slept out. I was too stupid and naiive to connect the dots. the strange message, his outing, the sex stimulants- they were all clear evidence but I ignored them.

He came home next day at day break with a whole bunch of excuses which of course I foolishly believed.

Later that day he went out and came in with shopping bags with limited edition designers shoes-bags and clothes. I was so excited. 

I couldn't wait to go for photoshoot and snap catchy pictures for my social media pages. I needed to show off to the world how my husband was spoiling me and how great my married life was. 

I told Austin I had booked a day session with one of the top graphers to take classic pictures of me and he opted to pay the bills. It was going to be a long day so I left home at 9Am hoping to be back by 6/7Pm. Austin was happy I was doing what I wanted, after all he loved it when I was happy and he made sure I stayed happy.

I drove to the studio and began my snapping sessions.

Luckily, everything got finalized and we were done by 4Pm; that meant me going home earlier than I expected. I excitedly drove back home to gist up with my husband on how I got everyone's attention at the studio; they had to close and not let anyone come in just for me to take pictures. I fully booked them for the day. It felt like I was a celebrity of some kind.

3 cars were parked at the car-park, it was my first time seeing them and I wondered who had visited us. Austin didn't mention it either.

I walked into the house only to be welcomed by the most horrible shock of my life. I could hear groans from our bedroom right from the living room; I walked through the corridors with chills all over me. How could Austin bring in another woman into our home? And how could he groan for her like that? twice as much he sounded when with me.

I opened the door, my heart started pounding faster, my knees got weak - my eyes couldn't blink. I couldn't believe my husband was making out with his fellow men. 3 of them. Sodomy! I witnessed it all with my very eyes.

I banged the door and ran back outside; that was when Austin and his friends noticed someone saw them.

He knew it was me. He ran after me screaming my name.

I ran as fast as I could till I got to the gate. I couldn't believe what I saw. How could it be? And of all the things to do why would he choose to sex up with his fellow men? not just one but 3 and in our house, on our bed.

He told the gate man not to open the gate for me. Shamelessly his friends came out, rode in their cars and drove out. The strength to run further had got off of me. I just sat there miserably not knowing what to do or say again.

Austin left me there and went back inside.

Minutes later he came out and dragged me inside.

"I know you are shocked. but this is who I am. You can call me bisexual or whatever you want but the earliest you accept this fact the better for us."

I could see a different man in him. He wasn't that charming Austin anymore. I didn't know the man I fall for again- the one who would melt me with words whenever I got pissed.

I then knew how much naiive I was.

"At this point, you can't back off. and make sure you say no word of what you saw. that whole thing there is what brings money to my pockets, it's what brings food to our table and I am able to afford your extravagant lifestyle with it. If you dare to do the opposite of what I want and say just know I already have blood in my hands and I don't want yours baked under my fingernails too."

Wow!! I still couldn't get hold of myself from what he said. I had to live a life with so much pretence and misery just because I didn't want to die and also I didn't want to imagine leaving all that lavished lifestyle and become a nonentity. It would mean my class being downgraded to zero.

I now have become so depressed from watching my husband bring in different men into our home and making out with them without minding my presence. He has made his bisexual status official to me. He even said it to my face that he married me just to cover up his real lifestyle but in real sense he loves it with men and he enjoys it most with his boyfriends.

I now have connected the dots, he really never kept female friends except those that work for/with him. most of the parties and joints he goes to are "an all men association" and he always went to the bathroom to wash himself after making out with me coz he didn't really like it with me. I am now more of his housemate than his wife; I can't look him straight in the eye- he disgusts me.

I am here still contemplating if I should just run away and relocate to another country or if I should stay and persevere whilst fighting the trauma and depression I am in with hope that my broken pieces will somehow find their way back and fill in the cracks.