LIVIA'S BOOKLET

  I am a rose with deep roots in my bones, Wildflowers blooming beneath my skin. I don't want to be plucked or carried away, Nor do I want to be transplanted to unfamiliar ground. I long to be nurtured in my own garden, Watered by the warmth of gentle hands. I crave the sunshine and the nourishing rain, To grow strong and wild, in my own sweet way.

  "Where do I go to grieve when my safe space is gone?" The chapter of my life that was yours is now a memory. I'm dragged into a new narrative, one that began with your ending. I yearn to turn back the pages, but life has torn them away. In dreams, I relive your passing, waking up in anguish, Consumed by emptiness, shock, and grief's heavy chains. I lose you all over again, reliving the pain. Since your departure, I've wandered, lost, without a home. No place feels like home now, but when we meet again, I'll finally find my way back, and my heart will be whole once more.

  Grief suffocates, my body weakens, Nauseous and sickened by all that I've lost. My lungs struggle to breathe through the pain, As mourning weighs heavy, like a constant rain. Sadness lingers, a constant companion, Roaming the shadows, never leaving my side. Yet, I've learned that joy isn't the answer, But tenderness, warmth, and compassion to abide. In the darkness, I'll hold on to presence, Embracing the ache with a gentle embrace. With each breath, I'll let fresh air fill my lungs, And with each exhale, a little weight will lift, a little strength will be won.

  In tender pursuit, I reached for your gaze Longing to connect, to share love's warm ways But like a flower, you didn't bloom for me And in my eagerness, I forced you to see The beauty I beheld, the love I wanted to share But like a bird, you spread wings, and flew from my care I grasped too tight, with hope and desire And in the end, my heart was the one that got tired For love can't be forced, it must grow on its own Like a sunset's warmth, it blooms when the heart is home So let this be a lesson, to gentle my soul To love without condition, and let hearts unfold For in the end, it's not the gaze that I need But the freedom to love, without causing heartache's seed May my heart learn to let go, to trust and to see That love's true beauty lies in its spontaneity.

  Maybe I’m just not good at understanding love— but I’m still trying to learn, people’s emotions, their moods, to untangle myself from life-altering, disorienting moments, and forget the weight of mundanities. Because I’ve learned that: healing is inner work, and a broken soul can teach you much about life. If your experiences can’t instill humility in you, then kindness should never be a virtue— but a way of life.

I came across a thought that struck me: “Loyalty fades when benefits vanish”— let those who wish to leave, depart. There’s no trace of fakeness in my heart. If my actions show you, I care, you’ll know exactly where you stand. Never let those who lack direction pull you into their uncertain drift. I don’t understand why some hold back their true feelings— why do words and actions clash? I’ve never been fond of unsure energy; clarity is everything.

  Grief has torn open the scars of my childhood. I confront demons I never knew were there. I’ve never known what it feels like to be loved or to be happy. I struggle to connect with those who don’t speak the language of grief. The world moves too fast for the broken hearted, too slow for the lonely, creating and consuming, leaving no place to truly belong.

A part of me screams in anguish, The other half remains silent, frozen in pain. I burn, collapsing under the weight of it all. Lost and shattered, a fragment of my former self, since the day I lost you. I've resented the world for continuing to spin, For existing without you. Leaving me to navigate this hollow within. But as I journey through the darkness, I hold onto the hope that our souls will meet again. Wherever my path leads next, I long to find you waiting, a guiding light, a gentle embrace. Until then, I'll hold on to the memories we shared, And strive to find strength in the awareness that our story can spare.  

I've found the strength to stand tall and face the tide. My river flows once more, its currents inside. I'll never negotiate with chaos's wild demands. I'll never harbor guilt's heavy burdensome hands.   The moon aligns with my heartbeat's gentle pace. The ocean cradles my rage, a soothing embrace. I celebrate my kindness, my grace so true. I adore my softness, my empathy shining through.