LIVIA'S BOOKLET

  Grief really sucks it’s like being hit with waves and all you can do is keep your head above the waters There are days when I talk about you often How special you’d have been How I had you without knowing And there are days when I can’t even speak your name Days that I can’t even share the experience Days that I know this grief is mine to bear Inside me lives a loud scream that comes out in moments I least expect Grief has a way of quietening the outside while making one scream inside I have to remember you longer than I got to know you I would trade the future for one yesterday with you.

  I am the one in the room who laughs the loudest yet grief stings in all places and my feet stuck in sadness. How possibly can one be everywhere yet nowhere? How are you still here yet I’ll never see you again? I have to remember you longer than I have known you. Two things left the day you died; You, and my chance to feel whole again. With you, I get to believe that grieving is a lifelong process with layers of love, pain, memories growth all wrapped in one. I am living with a scream inside me and the scream is mine and no one else hears it I wish to scream until the pain ceases to echo in my heart until my shallow breath becomes deeper.

Sometimes, the most profound sorrows are those we carry in silence, for no words are powerful enough to encapsulate the entirety of a heart that’s shattered by loss. Losing you is a language only my heart knows how to speak. Unknowingly; I carried you with me in every step, every decision, every tear and every smile. Losing you didn’t just break my heart it left me to piece together who I am in a life that’s unrecognizable. Trying to narrate what I am feeling is like describing colours I can’t see. The day I lost you was not just any day, It was the day I had to start learning to live a different life altogether. They say time heals; but some losses imprint on the soul scars that may fade but never disappear. Losing you has taught me that grief is not just a process but a life-long journey, one where love and pain walk hand in hand. I would trade all my tomorrows for one yesterday. To change all the things I took for granted. To relieve each moment with the know...

There’s no song in my mind other than a melody of your name Set a boundary within me that nothing can ever make me drift from you Accept my desires and let them all in unto your gentle heart My heart skip beats my heart sinks when my mind lay its thoughts on you With arms as wide as the expanse of the earth with a heart of unwavering worth you are my home, my resting place.

  Let me be a man who will never compromise the truth but rather speak of the truth in love. Let me be bold and be trusting you in all things that are worrisome to me. Let me heal all my wounds instead of spreading the pain. Let me outgrow all the spaces I have shrank myself to fit. Let me pick up courage with my hands even when I am not sure of how strong they are to hold it all.

  I have been asked to write about grief Cause; I only have spent so much time in places that carry sorrow and chaos They have wanted me to be so many things but all I can ever be is a griever My heart carries more grief than it carries happiness I have journeyed down so many paths full of darkness and storms where there’s no sunshine Never do I crave for things that leave me weak Never do I remember how to feel happy I’d rather gladly take all the storms.

  In this story of mine you have always been the best chapter! I’d rather take all the storms than have all the sunshine days without you around!   Though emptiness consumes me I surely will wait on time to lead me to you, for you hold the pieces that makes me whole! I met an angel; I saw it in your eyes with whispers and lost in your gaze making myself a promise to never let go of you! 

  Chapter two “I miss the future I was supposed to have with you.” I surely would feel the depth of the sentiment in those words. It’s alright to mourn the future that never unfolded for loss is like a silent storm that rearranges the landscape of the heart. “There are millions of mothers that live inside my chest, I speak to them in quiet moments under the night skies and in my dreams.” ~emoryhall Grief is so often characterized as sadness but in real sense there is so much more involved. And to talk of grief from baby loss – pregnancy loss – stillbirth it is so often dismissed with statements like; “You can try again for another one.” “It wasn’t God’s plan.” “ Everything happens for a reason” But in actual fact it is often an extremely traumatic loss. Scary, dangerous, life threatening, life changing and a hundred percent leading to stress and anxiety covered with fear. There is so much going on for the griever, so much to process and to adjust to the thoug...