LIVIA'S BOOKLET

  Chapter two “I miss the future I was supposed to have with you.” I surely would feel the depth of the sentiment in those words. It’s alright to mourn the future that never unfolded for loss is like a silent storm that rearranges the landscape of the heart. “There are millions of mothers that live inside my chest, I speak to them in quiet moments under the night skies and in my dreams.” ~emoryhall Grief is so often characterized as sadness but in real sense there is so much more involved. And to talk of grief from baby loss – pregnancy loss – stillbirth it is so often dismissed with statements like; “You can try again for another one.” “It wasn’t God’s plan.” “ Everything happens for a reason” But in actual fact it is often an extremely traumatic loss. Scary, dangerous, life threatening, life changing and a hundred percent leading to stress and anxiety covered with fear. There is so much going on for the griever, so much to process and to adjust to the thoug...

Correct me if I am wrong, but I remember all the words you like to say behind closed doors. She whispered in my ear “I take you as you are and you will be. I won’t try to change you but I will ride out change with you. I see you and I will never ask you to be less or more.” With words so charming and full of meaning, that’s how she destroyed me. I have been awed and terrified by the experience of being in love to the extent that when it’s love, I’d rather close the book and put it back on the shelf. I do not know how to hate no matter how much I have been wronged. I met Tuseke when I had gone for my usual check-up at the hospital. She was there to visit her grandmother who was gravely ill and on admission. She had asked for directions to get to the elderly female ward, that was just the same way to Doctor Mayepi’s office. My all time go to health practitioner. We walked hand in hand and talked about a few things on science and medicine. She hated being around the hosp...

  Dearest Kambani, I write this note to you for there is an ache in my ribs. Your sugar-coated deceit made its way through and I felt like all the air left my lungs after I heard and read out all your lies. You said; “I will answer you before you even call to me.” Little did I know you were trying to memorize Jeremiah 33:3 on me. You said; “I will be your peace.” But; Don’t be my peace. I already have that. First, be at peace with yourself and everything around you. I know this note will make you remember the warmth of my touch, how it made your heart race, the joy you claimed I brought to you. I had mixed portions of happiness and loyalty between the things I love and you with a pinch of sugar to align the moments. That’s how much I cared. I am blooming in your absence after being trapped in the cage of your lies and deceit, after you sliced me a dose of pain and moments of tears. Leaving you came hand in hand with finding myself – Broken but Function...